Helping toddlers manage new situations

Why do some new situations feel a bit scary for toddlers?

Many children are outgoing, curious and adventurous. But some are more cautious and are sensitive or fearful when they face new situations.

Some level of fear and anxiety is normal when facing new situations. Part of being a toddler is exploring and gaining more independence, while learning how to deal with their feelings such as fear.

Toddlers and young children may not have the language skills to express themselves and can have tantrums or ‘meltdowns’ when they are overwhelmed. When you respond to them and help them recognise their feelings they can feel safe.

If a child has worried or anxious feelings often, their fears can grow bigger and bigger. Even thinking about the situation can make them anxious. To cope, they may try to avoid the situation. This may prevent them from participating in activities that other children enjoy. If you toddler feel scared, you can support them, encourage them to be social and brave, and show them how to act in new situations.

What type of new situations might make my toddler anxious or shy?

Young children can find some situations hard to manage such as:

• moving house or into a new bed
• going to preschool, day care or school
• problems in the family such as family breakdown
• visiting a health professional such as a doctor or dentist
• talking to new people
• being away from you (separation anxiety)

Not all children experiencing anxiety will be able to tell you that they feel afraid. You might notice they have physical symptoms such as:

• difficulty sleeping
• stomach aches
• changes in appetite (food refusal)
• headaches
• nightmares

Other signs of anxiety in toddlers are:

• being irritable
• being less playful
• having difficulties calming down when upset
• excessive clinginess

How can I help my child?

Here are some tips to help your child manage new situations:

• Acknowledge your child’s worries and try not to force them into situations that make them scared.
• Talk about your feelings and give you child the language to label how they are feeling, for example, “It looks like you might be feeling a bit worried. Sometime when I feel worried, my tummy feels wobbly”.
• Prepare your child before new situations, tell them ahead of time about changes to their regular routine or when something is starting or stopping.
• Gently encourage them to be brave and try something new.
• Give your child time to adjust and to get used to a new situation by staying with them for a while. Gently encourage them to explore and play with the other children.
• Move away from your child for a short time, but make sure your child knows you are there and come back before they get upset.

If a situation is too much for them, you can try break it into manageable chunks. For example, if they are very scared of going swimming, suggest sitting and watching others swim for a while. When they are comfortable, they can try dangling their legs in the water. Praise their achievements and remind them it’s good just to try.

Most children usually learn to solve problems by themselves, so let them try before you help. you can also work together to face the challenge and help them develop coping strategies, for example, teach them how to calm themselves down by breathing slowly — breathe in for 3 seconds and breathe out for 3 seconds.

It’s also important to show your child how to behave. Make sure you appear confident and outgoing yourself so your child can see how it’s done.

When should I seek help?

If you’re concerned, or if your child’s fears of new situations are seriously affecting their ability to learn or play and making them very distressed, you can seek professional advice from:

• your child’s teacher or care worker
• your doctor, who may refer you to a paediatrician or psychologist
• your local children’s community health centre

Sometimes, shyness or anxiety may be a sign of another problem such as a speech problem, autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or an anxiety disorder.

Resources and support

Raising Children Network has strategies to help you and your toddler plan for challenging situations.

You can read more about your child's mental health at Beyond Blue.

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders

Read more about helping your little one feel safe by visiting You and your boorai.

Speak to a maternal child health nurse

Call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby to speak to a maternal child health nurse on 1800 882 436 or video call. Available 7am to midnight (AET), 7 days a week.