Separation anxiety in children

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is when your baby or young child becomes distressed or anxious at being separated from people who are usually close to them — usually their parent or carer.

What causes separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a normal part of growing up. It usually starts around 6 months of age.

If your child has separation anxiety, it's not a sign that you are doing anything wrong. In fact, separation anxiety is a sign that your child has an attachment (bond) to you. Babies become attached to those close to them, usually their parents. This is important for your child's development.

Children feel safe when they can see people they know and love. Being separated from the people who make them feel safe can make them feel anxious. At a young age, babies and children may not understand that their loved ones will return.

Babies and children may experience separation anxiety in different situations, such as when they:

• are first put to bed by themselves
• are left in a new environment with unfamiliar people, such as day care
• are left in the care of someone unfamiliar to them, like a babysitter

What are the signs of separation anxiety?

Children show their anxiety in different ways, depending on their age and personality.

Some signs your child is feeling anxious may include if they:

• are upset or crying
• have tantrums or misbehave
• cling to you
• are shy
• refuse to speak
• refuse to be comforted by anyone else

Some children will express separation anxiety as physical symptoms, such as:

• headaches
• stomach aches, nausea or and/or vomiting
• difficulty sleeping

You can read more about childhood anxieties and fears.

What can I do to help my child settle into a new environment?

It's important to acknowledge your child's emotions and help them cope with their anxiety. At the same time, it is important to find a balance between supporting and reassuring your child and giving them the chance to manage their own feelings and develop resilience.

There are a few strategies you can use to help your child manage separation anxiety in situations they may find hard.

A new environment for a child with separation anxiety may include:

• taking your child to a new location
• leaving your child home alone
• placing your child in the care of someone new

There are some general ways that you can help your child manage their separation anxiety.

• Don't leave your child without saying goodbye, but try to keep your goodbye brief.
• If your child needs comfort while they navigate a new situation, giving them an object to hold, such as a dummy, teddy, or something of yours can help.
• If you need to be apart from your child, tell them when you will be back in a way they can understand and stick to your word — for example “I'll pick you up after lunch”.

When you see your child after being apart, give them your full attention. They have been missing you and it's important to show how happy you are to see them again. This will also help them understand that if you have to separate from them, you will come back.

You can also teach your child strategies to help them regulate their emotions. These might include:

• deep breathing
• noticing things around them
• tensing and relaxing their muscles

When taking your child to a new place

The first time your child goes to a new place, it can help for you to go with them. This way, they can see that you are comfortable in the space. This can help them to cope with any anxiety they may be feeling.

This new location may be a place where your child is expected to be apart from you for a longer period of time, like a daycare. If so, you can try separating from them for a shorter period of time first. This may build your child's confidence to be without you.

If you take regular time away from your child, develop a regular drop-off routine — this way, your child knows what to expect each time.

When your child is home without you nearby

If your child needs to be away from you for a period of time, tell them where you are going. Maybe you are having a shower or working in another room while someone else is taking care of them.

When your child is in the care of someone else

If you need to go somewhere without your child, try to leave them in the care of someone they already know. Before you leave your child, give them a hug goodbye.

If your child does not know the person who will be caring for them, you can spend some time with that person and your child. This can help your child feel comfortable with the person.

The person caring for your child can help by:

• greeting your child warmly and calmly, and respecting your child's boundaries
• making sure your child is settled into an enjoyable activity before you leave
• communicating regularly with you — they should be aware of events in your child's life that may increase their anxiety

What if my child's separation anxiety gets more serious?

Separation anxiety usually improves over time as your child grows up and becomes used to different people and situations. Separation anxiety usually lessens by the time your child reaches school age.

If you notice that your child's anxiety seems excessive and starts impacting their enjoyment of life, they could be developing an anxiety disorder.

If your child has separation anxiety disorder, you may notice that:

• the way they react when they are separated from you is excessive
• they often worry about something happening to harm you or separate you from them
• they constantly refuse to leave the home because they fear separation from you
• their distress causes symptoms like nightmares
• their separation anxiety affects them for at least 4 weeks

About 1 in 25 preschool and school-age children develop an anxiety disorder. Some general signs that your child needs extra support with their anxiety include:

• They seem to feel more anxious than other children in the same setting.
• They avoid situations they feel worried about.
• Their fears and worries seem out of proportion with what is happening in their life.

Anxiety can interfere with your child's health and wellbeing, especially as they get older.

You can read more about anxiety in children.

When should I seek help?

It is important to seek help if:

• your child is struggling
• you think your child has separation anxiety disorder
• you are worried about your child

You can seek help through a paediatrician, your local doctor or your local community health centre.

A doctor can ask about your child's symptoms and consider what might be causing them. They can also refer you to a mental health professional if needed.